A Week Away: Part X

 

A High School Trip! What could go wrong? So many things. For starters, two of their classmates are missing amidst a natural disaster and are at the back of everyone's minds. Worry is blanketing the students as the night rolls in and there's still no sign of them! Relationships become even more tangled between various friends. There's a reason the teenage years are full of second-guessing everything.

PART X - SOMETHING MORE

It’s empty. 

Angelo doesn’t know how he’s back in the hotel room.

What had happened to the time in between? He can’t remember. He had been in some sort of brain fog ever since he saw the devastating pile of snow in front of them, knowing Ryder and Alex had last been near the top of the ski hill.

Rescue immediately commenced and other people had been found, injured, and alive, but now safe.

But not them.

A knot of worry is compressed in his chest, so tightly that he finds himself forgetting to breathe at times. It’s when his thoughts go to darker places and the probabilities of Alex’s whereabouts–wholly possible and awful–that his breathing stops altogether.

He should have convinced Alex to stay in that damn ski lodge but Alex, being Alex, just didn’t know when to quit.

He had admired that about Alex–the unrelenting, unapologetic enthusiasm the guy held for his passions and his convictions–

–but now there was a cost and Angelo found his mind re-arranging those last moments that they were together in an infinite series of possible words he could have said to convince Alex to want to stay warm and safe.

To stay with him.

The knot seems to split–traveling up his throat, and down into his gut.

He can’t do anything right now to help. It is past sunset. Search and rescue are still out looking for them, digging, sifting, trying to find any traces of the two boys that are more constant and affirming in Angelo’s life than his own family.

Going back to Kashmire would be an unbearable existence if Alex and Ryder weren’t there with him.

It is obvious as to why with Alex, but he has to admit to himself that Ryder’s infuriatingly good and well-meaning nature would be sorely missed.

They were friends. Not the greatest of friends but he knew Ryder would do anything to help him if he asked because that’s the type of person Ryder is.

Selfless.

It isn’t hard to see why Alex would have liked Ryder so much, nor hard to imagine how easy it would be for Alex to fall for him again if he knew the truth.

Angelo knows that he is being selfish for never wanting Alex to know; he could have told Alex it was all a misunderstanding and what Ryder had admitted the other day, but he didn’t–half convincing himself it had been Ryder’s place to say.

Now they were both gone, and the truth still hung on his shoulders like a heavy chain, dragging his thoughts down, along with the hope his friends would ever be found alive.

Colleen doesn’t quite know what to say to Noire as they lay on their respective beds, reading quietly. It’s just about all they can do.

Wait.

Class trip activities rightfully were suspended due to the avalanche, and with two classmates missing it’s just a horrible pause on life.

“Thanks for lending me a book to read,” Noire finally says, seeming to sense Colleen’s stare.

“You’re welcome,” Colleen clears her throat. She always has her books with her for times like these. Not for avalanches per se, but times when there’s nothing else to do. Not that she can actually concentrate on the words on the page of her own book. 

Her gaze keeps drifting back to Noire.

“So, someone told you then?”

“What?” Colleen sits up, puzzled at Noire's question.

“About my family.”

“How did you know–?”

Noire shuts the book and glances up coldly, “Because anyone who knows has a look of pity when they see me. In the back of their mind, they see me and think ‘oh there is poor Elenoire, with her broken family and tragic life.’”

Colleen bites her lip, unsure if she should say anything more, but is saved from making the decision because Noire isn’t finished.

“I liked…how you never looked at me like that.”

“I’m sorry,” Colleen can’t help but apologize, but she doesn’t know how she can make it better.

She can’t just wipe April’s words from her memory and go on living in ignorance of Noire’s life. She just should have never asked about why Noire seemed like such a gloomy cupcake.

It doesn’t make Noire’s frown lift; only deepens as she opens the book to find the place she left off.

“It doesn’t matter anyway, we probably won’t see each other again after this trip ends.”

There were only two days left before they headed back to Kashmire. Back to different schools.

Different worlds.

Colleen doesn’t know why at first, but Noire’s words sting her.

Thinking about how happy Noire was when they paired up to win billiards, or how Noire listened with interest when they talked over dinner, or her extreme concentration and impressed glances as they played chess, and–and that brief kiss on the cheek during spin the bottle–was it all for nothing?

Were they not to become friends?

Colleen would have loved a new friend, they were hard for her to make. She didn’t find many who shared her interests or were interested in being her friend.

“Oh,” Colleen says softly, “Is that what you want?”

She can feel Noire’s intense, perceptive, gaze on her and can’t meet it. She looks at her hands in front of her, clenching her stomach, observing the chipped nail polish from when she and her mother had a spa day a few months ago that she hadn’t bothered to re-paint. Something probably Noire never had nor will have with hers.

“I don’t understand you,” Noire finally says amidst a sigh, “What is the matter?”

Colleen was certainly being pushed outside her comfort zone by admitting, “I want…to be friends with you.”

To clarify that intention, seemed awkward to her; people usually fell into friendships and had that understanding. She knew her brother and Lai never had asked each other to be friends, it just happened because they spent time together and had fun together. They clicked in a way Colleen had always been mildly jealous of. Colleen thought that was what had been happening with her and Noire.

But maybe she was wrong.

“Why, so you can continue to pity me?”

Those words cause Colleen’s sights to jerk up to Noire and glower; on some level, she is infuriated that’s how Noire still perceives her–as some high and mighty rich kid who shouldn’t be bothered with the likes of a gloomy public school girl with less than half a family.

Noire had insinuated that when they first met but so much had happened since then, and she had a chance to know Colleen as a person. Her scowl is so fierce that Noire’s unimpressed frown lifts to surprise.

“If you think that’s the reason I want to be your friend, then you don’t know anything about me,” Colleen’s voice wavers, “and maybe if we were friends you would understand that I have never judged you for anything.”

With that said, and her heart racing, Colleen turns her back on Noire and curls up on her bed with her book, indicating she is done with the conversation.

“You do that enough for the both of us.”

April hesitates briefly before she knocks on the hotel room door. There was no more normalcy on this trip, not after the avalanche.

She couldn’t even bring herself to pick up her guitar, even though now they seemed to have loads of free time before lights out and it would be a great opportunity to get some practice in. Something about playing music when everyone is on edge and sad just seems...inappropriate though.

She hears shuffling, and the click of the lock–Colleen peers out of a crack in the doorway with an uncharacteristic frown, “Hi, what do you need?”

April hunches her shoulders, trying not to seem so eager or desperate for company, “You or Noire want to go chill in the jacuzzi?”

Lai was still in the motel room, but scribbling away on a paper, too focused to be bothered.

Alice, well she was rightfully a mess–April felt like an asshole for thinking it but thanked her stars Alice wasn’t in the room looking for consolation.

Lai was pleasant company but Alice was insufferable–she wished she’d have had Noire and Colleen as roomies on this trip.

Colleen doesn’t even look at Noire and says firmly, with a slight hint of relief, “I will. Just need to change into my suit.”

April doesn’t even recall Colleen in a swimsuit.

Right, because the day at the hot springs she busted up Alex’s lip and wasn’t allowed any more fun activities.

April doesn’t wait for Colleen, the air is cold and she’d rather be engulfed in hot water like a lobster. She makes quick work of easing into the jacuzzi which is brimming with bubbles.

Colleen emerges a few minutes later, leaps over the edge of the jacuzzi, and joins April. Colleen has a lithe build and pale skin–a far cry from the sunkissed complexion April seems to have year-round. Whether it's from working on the farm or her biological parents, she can never tell.

“Noire doesn’t want to join?”

“No,” Colleen says sharply and April senses something has happened between them.

Colleen’s plan to get to know Noire may have backfired. A shame.

Colleen settles into the water as well and seems to relax just a bit.

“How is Alice?” Colleen wonders, and changes the topic.

April sighs, “The last I saw she was still crying and the chaperone was trying to calm her down.”

They share a look of sympathy–neither could say they liked Alice as a person but both of them had older brothers that they loved and knew it would be scary and miserable to be left in the dark not knowing if they were dead or alive.

No one deserved to feel like that.

Caleb is on his way to the motel lobby to see if he can score a cup of coffee when he hears the chaperone–who usually has a stern voice–using soft tones. He can’t imagine how nerve-wracking it is to be in charge of a class trip that has suddenly gone awry.

The Principal is speaking to Alice, but Alice isn’t responding.

Caleb grimaces, remembering how Alice was hit with such a shock after the avalanche, that she stopped talking.

She only cried after that.

“Cosgrove,” the chaperone’s attention is on him, on his movement as soon as he enters the lobby, and he stops with intrigue, “Can you do me a favor?”

He gives her a long look, and she looks exhausted. He feels bad for her.

“I’ll stay with her,” Caleb offers. He can see Alice is clearly upset, and the Principal needs respite from whatever she is dealing with.

He feels obligated to keep Alice company; to keep her from feeling worse. Who else would do it? Alice doesn’t strike him as someone who likes to be alone with her thoughts.

The woman gives him a look of relief and heads out, probably to deal with more phone calls to the Calhoun and Greystone families, that is if she can get through. He heard some phone lines were downed from the avalanche as well.

He takes a seat next to Alice, not even sure if she’s noticed his presence. They stare at the crackling fire in silence.

“They’ll find him, both of them” Caleb braces a hand on his knee and finally says in an assured tone, hoping it will help.

The truth is, he can’t know for sure. He’s lying. He can’t bring himself to spout the odds or the data on avalanche survival because it’s too bleak and will do the opposite of distracting her from thinking about it.

“What if they don’t?” Alice’s small voice seems to catch in her throat as she finally speaks.

“Don’t think like that,” he replies, then makes the attempt to change her focus, “Concentrate on anything else. Like, if you could eat something right now, what would it be?”

She blinks, then wipes her eyes of the mascara trails that her tears have left, clearing most but not all, “I don’t know, I’m too worried to be hungry.”

He sighs and cradles his head in his hands.

So much for trying to help her. What was the point when all he did was screw it up?

“Thanks for trying to distract me though,” she offers, seeing his defeated body language. She is glad he’s here with her and not just because they are finally alone together.

Her thoughts fade back to Alex. To Ryder. Wondering where they are. Trapped under the snow? Are they even alive? She’d been such a brat to them on this trip and now they were both…well it was nightfall already and no word on them.

Tears fill her eyes and she tries to sniffle them back again. Her entire body trembles in an attempt to keep herself from exploding into sobs. Why is it that whenever she feels awful and dejected, Caleb is always close by?

His eyes widen in panic, seeing she’s about to shatter into a million pieces.

“Do you have advice?”

The tears retreat as she looks at him curiously, “Advice for what?”

His words are like a flimsy line of scotch tape, barely holding her together.

His cheeks seem to take on a pink hue in the firelight, and his voice starts to sound flustered, “For kissing…I guess. Apparently, you were the first ‘real’ kiss I’ve had, s…s…so I was wondering if you had any tips so the next time I do it, it will be better.”

“Why, are you planning to kiss me again?” she arches a brow sharply and lightly teases.

He glances away, “No! I will p..p..probably kiss others in the future and I just want to be better at it, so I figure if you can tell me what I did wrong then I can correct it for the next time.”

She blinks again, all thoughts of tears dissipating.

Is he serious?

He’s coming at this in such an odd way. Who asks for critique on their kissing? He’s treating it more like a science experiment than a normal thing teenagers do when they are attracted to one another.

“Let’s start with what you did right. You ate a breath mint beforehand. That is always appreciated when being kissed.”

It’s his turn to blink, “Oh, I thought that was just a given if you are going to kiss someone.”

Alice lets out an amused laugh, he’s so dumb and adorable.

“You make it sound like it’s all a very planned activity. No one has a breath mint on them all the time, and kissing isn’t something you just agree to do at a certain time and place like a meeting.”

Though, to be fair, that’s all it had been for her so far…

“Well, I didn’t think it was,” Caleb snaps, though all of his previous experience was exactly that, “I just like to be prepared for things.”

“Also, if you want to get better at something, my advice is to practice–just like any other skill,” she flips her hair out of her eyes and says most reasonably.

She figures her words would be much too subtle for a guy like Caleb to understand but she can see him thinking hard underneath a frown of contemplation.

He knows he can’t practice kissing Lai. Lai is the one he wants to kiss when he’s good at it.

He doesn’t know any other girls that would be open to doing something like that, especially with him, and with the understanding it’s for improvement, not a means to catch feelings or be a creeper. He’s already kissed Alice once…

He glances up at her, his cheeks a touch redder, but he’s too polite to ask a girl something like that. Something they are both surely thinking.

Alice sighs and makes it easy for him, sounding as if she’s doing him a favor, “If you really want to practice kissing, I guess…I could help out.”

He gives her an incredulous look as if he can’t quite believe they are having such a conversation, “Are you serious?”

She grins, “You could stand to learn a thing or two.”

He looks slightly offended, and ever so nervous as if it’s a bad idea.

It absolutely is.

One hundred percent it’s a bad idea but Alice doesn’t care. Right now she is focused on him, and no longer her crushing worry.

He’s helped her take her mind off bad things twice now, so she will help him. To her twisted reasoning, it’s the good and right thing to do.

It just so happens to align with her new interest in him too.

“Oh,” is all he says, and scratches his chin in genuine wonder, “Learn things like what?”

Alice scoots closer to him and he freezes up in anticipation. She lets out a small laugh in a hot breath that hits his cheek, “Like that. Don’t become a popsicle when a girl gets close enough to breathe on. Don’t lean back. Meet me in the middle here. Most girls don’t make the first move because they have it wrapped up in their heads that it’s the guy’s job to initiate.”

“Isn’t it?” Caleb nearly whispers since her face is so close. He looks terrified.

“It shouldn’t be. If people are attracted to each other, they should have equal amounts of participation. That’s my perspective at least,” she explains with a shrug.

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” he concedes with the most nervous of laughs and averts his eyes.

Her gaze doesn’t waver. She is locked on target.

“Now, try it. Kiss me.”

On her command, Caleb leans closer and her eyelids fall shut.

His lips are dry and don’t offer much movement, just sort of rest there on hers with trepidation. He seemed more gung-ho about kissing during spin-the-bottle, perhaps swept up in the moment and the excitement.

She pulls back with a sigh.

“Sorry,” he apologizes at once, sensing her exasperation.

“Next time, pretend I’m whoever you want to kiss, that way I can get a read on what to tell you is wrong. There’s supposed to be emotion in kissing. It’s not supposed to be a sterile experiment, it’s an act of passion.”

She was even surprising herself with this talk, it made her sound so experienced and wise about such things! She was far from wise but she had done a great deal of kissing and other stuff in the last year.

She could tell when someone was into it or not. Caleb could be if he knew what he was doing. He reminds her of a wobbly-legged baby animal getting his balance while learning to stand.

Lai has completed the Academy paperwork. She holds it close to her chest, as she giddily walks over to the boys’ suite, and knocks on the door.

She hopes to surprise Caleb with it!

He probably hasn’t even noticed it is missing from his briefcase yet on account he hadn't mentioned it. She can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes what she’s given him!

Angelo answers, he looks so distressed that Lai almost drops the paper and gives him a hug out of instinct. It had to be tough when one’s friends were missing after an avalanche. Her heart goes out to him, truly.

She’s been thinking about the missing guys as well–and all she can do is hope and pray to the platinum diamond above that they will turn up safe. She knows she would be a complete mess if Caleb had been the one to go missing.

“Caleb isn’t here,” Angelo says, seeming to come out of a daze, and realizes why she is there.

Speaking of going missing…

She tilts her head to the side in puzzlement, “Where is he then?”

“Ready to try again?” Alice prompts.

Caleb licks his lips and nods with determination. He stands and holds out his hand. He has to stop thinking of this as just kissing Alice and think of it as research.

Research to better himself.

She can see his Adam’s apple bob in a thick swallow. He’s still nervous.

She sets her hand in his, and pulls herself up against him with a keen smile, “Just relax, and pretend I’m the girl of your dreams if it helps.”

It certainly does.

Alice never understood how ‘weak in the knees’ was meant to feel when one was kissed but for the first time in her life, her knees actually feel a bit unstable from the action; she ends up curling his shirt into her fists to keep upright and another wave of that same kind of pleasant fatigue hits her as his hand slides around her waist, another over her shoulder to offer firm support.

Caleb unleashes almost eight years of pent-up pining–and it’s not even meant for her.

But she loves it and she wants more.

The paper slips and flutters to the ground as Lai watches, stunned, staring through the glass panes at the sight of Alice and Caleb locked in a moment.

From what she sees, for Caleb, it’s a great moment. The way he holds Alice is like he doesn’t ever want to let her go–like he’s found something he had been missing.

For Alice, it’s a moment of victory. Another tally in a long list of boys that have come before Caleb, who she has chased and are ready and willing to be wrapped around her little finger.

For Lai, it’s an awful moment–the kind that seems to rip the ground apart and swallow her after searing a great chasm through her chest at realizing for sure she doesn’t just like him more than a friend…

She is in love with him.

…and she’s just lost her chance to do anything about it.

She shouldn’t have naively thought that Caleb would remain unattached forever. He was a boy who craved love and attention–so of course, he would be drawn to the same girl that had been his first real kiss.

He had the prestige and smarts and temperament that anyone would love in a boyfriend. She understands then, with a prick of fury, why Alice was so curious about him the night before–Lai had all but handed him over on a silver platter.

She crumples the paper in her fist. There’s no use trying to spend her days at the Academy if all she is going to see is more of this between them, not to mention how distracting that would be for her studies.

Lai blinks back tears and tosses the paper into the nearest trashcan. She can be mad at Caleb for liking someone so shallow, or Alice for tricking her into listing all the good things about him, but she is mostly mad at herself for waiting so long to suss out her feelings and being too afraid of change.

Change is inevitable.

And now she can never look at Caleb Cosgrove the same again.

It’s dark, it’s wet, and it’s cold.

Those are the first three things Alex notices when he regains consciousness. His vision takes a moment to clear of the blur at its edges and he’s staring up at a clear, dark night sky sprinkled with a million stars shining like diamonds. The air is still.

He sucks in a sharp breath, remembering, and tries to turn his head, a searing pain spikes up his neck.

Ryder is lying nearby, curled into a fetal position. Alex reaches out and hisses in pain because the muscle in his arm has fallen asleep, or something worse.

“Ryder!” he finds his voice, cracked and ragged to call out his friend’s name despite not having hardly talked to him in the last four days.

They aren’t buried in the snow, thankfully, but, they are somewhere else on the mountain with a whole pile of it between them and civilization. It looks like Ryder had gotten them clear of most of the avalanche after all.

He hears a noise of recognition from Ryder, and catches a glimpse of slight head movement, “...Alex?”

“Ryder! I’m here!” Alex calls, trying to find purchase in standing in snow as deep as his knees. He rolls and gets enough momentum to pull himself up–his body feels like it’s made of nothing but pins and needles. Still, he makes his way to Ryder, and squats beside him to check to see if he is okay.

Ryder is able to look up at him and doesn’t make any indications he can’t move so Alex immediately loops his arms underneath Ryder’s armpits to help him stand as well.

The taller young man tries to stand but falls into Alex, knocking them both over.

“What’s wrong? Did you get injured?” Alex winces, holding his arm–he’s only made the pain worse trying to use it.

“Just…c-c-c-cold…” Ryder shivers and speaks slower than usual.

Alex knows Ryder has always hated the cold.

“We need to get someplace out of the snow,” Alex says, his worry heightening. It’s an obvious thing they should do but Ryder seems content to just lay there with the snow soaking into his clothing. They are going to die if they don’t get a move on. The avalanche may not have killed them but hypothermia will.

He grabs Ryder’s arm again trying to hoist them both up and they finally stumble forward with Alex supporting Ryder’s weight.

There’s a sense of peace surrounding them but it’s an eerie peace; even in the dark, the snow is very discernable–a stark white contrast between the woods and the sky. It muffles out the sounds around them.

Alex doesn’t know exactly what he’s looking for. A cave? Shack? Abandoned mine? Some kind of shelter they can get into to get out of the snow. He did Lad Scouts when he was a kid and learned to make a fire but doubts there’s anything around to help him with that. Any wood around them is wet and snow-covered. He doesn’t have any flint or a lighter on him.

“Fuck,” he says with bemusement, impressed with his cosmic luck because he can make out something in the distance.

“...Hm?” Ryder inquires with just a brief noise of wonder.

“Dude, there’s a cabin!” Alex exclaims and tightens his hold around Ryder’s side, nearly dragging him forward.

It’s dark inside, likely a seasonal home for some mountain recluse. The door is locked but Alex doesn’t have time for this. He backs up and punches out a glass pane in the door, further heightening the pain in his arm, then reaches in to unlock it. This is life and death, he doesn’t have time to worry about breaking and entering.

They are both shivering as they enter and now Alex has an extra pain in his knuckles, luckily nothing cut him. Alex looks around the room, it’s a one-room cabin, old-school style.

There is a fireplace with wood. There is a quilt and more blankets on a single bed and a small area with a pantry. Only then does he realize that he is ravenous.

He starts peeling out of his clothing, down to his boxers, taking care not to put too much pressure on his arm or twist his head in a specific direction. The air is so mind-numbingly cold but he feels slightly better when he drags one of the blankets over his shoulders.

“Get your clothes off,” he instructs Ryder as he grabs one of the other blankets and throws it at his friend. He feels around the fireplace mantle for any matches or tools used to light a fire but comes up empty-handed and sighs.

Ryder seems mildly struck, “...Huh?”

“Your clothes are wet and cold. Get them off and wrap yourself into a blanket to get your core temperature up. I’ll see if I can find us any food.”

It’s darker in the cabin than it was outside, due to lack of moonlight.

Alex opens the pantry and feels around for what's inside. A few cans of…something. A bag of chips. He honestly would eat cold beans on chips–he is that hungry.

He pulls them all out so he can see them better but hears Ryder let out an uncharacteristic whine of frustration and looks up, squinting to see what’s wrong.

Ryder had managed to remove his hoodie but is having trouble unbuttoning his shirt. His fingers are probably too cold to execute the action.

He saw Ryder put the shirt on that morning and wanted to say something, like wearing a sweater would be more practical for a day on the slopes but his reluctance to speak to Ryder ever since the incident with Alice had kept his mouth shut. Maybe the clothing choices they made is why right now, Alex is faring slightly better.

“Alex?” Ryder says, sounding embarrassed, “C-c-c-can…you help…me?”

Alex nods, his mouth seems to dry up as he gets closer. Ryder is still chattering violently, and his skin is so pale. He seems different–lost and despondent. Nonetheless, he lifts his arms so Alex has better access to the buttons down his chest.

Alex manages to slip all the buttons through their eyes, leaving it hanging loose on Ryder so he can shrug it off and lift his undershirt over his head.

“Is a…n-n-n-near-death…experience…the only…way…you’ll…t-t-t-talk…to me…now?” Ryder asks slowly, shivering, and dropping his clothing to the side while picking up the blanket in turn. He sinks to a sitting position in front of the fireplace that has no fire, still visibly shaking.

The deep, profound sadness in his voice stuns Alex. He didn’t think Ryder would have been as upset about it.

“I can’t not talk to you forever.”

His literature instructor would have shamed him for that double-negative, but anything more eloquent eludes him. His anger at Ryder has cooled and settled into a melancholy about the whole ordeal, unsure of how to proceed in their friendship.

Ryder makes a half-amused noise at the back of his throat but otherwise doesn’t remark on Alex’s answer.

Alex takes a seat next to Ryder so close that their shoulders touch through the blankets, popping open the bag of chips and trying one. It’s salty and stale, but he offers Ryder one too. Ryder must be as hungry.

He has to acknowledge that if it weren’t for Ryder, they’d both likely be dead right now.

“Thanks, for–” Alex starts but chews the rest of it before continuing, “saving us.”

“No…p-p-p-problem,” Ryder replies and fishes around for a chip of his own.

Why does he sound so nonchalant when he’s in serious danger?

Alex can feel a slight vibration through their muffled touch. Even in the dark, he can see Ryder’s entire form trembling trying to warm himself. He wishes he could find a box of matches or one of those firelighter tools laying in an easy-to-spot place so he could rev up the fire. It could even help in the way smoke could alert search and rescue to their location.

“Ryder, you need to warm up,” Alex says seriously.

“And how…d-d-d-do you…propose…that I d-d-d-do…that?” Ryder’s slightly annoyed, wavering words are so stuttery and drawn out, as if he has to think extra hard about what he’s saying else he’ll unwind into nonsensical speech.

“What if we…” Alex blushes at the thought, glad for the darkness to obscure it, “get closer to stay warm?”

Ryder raises a brow, “You m-m-ean…like…with…b-b-b-body heat?”

Alex can only nod.

After a pause for consideration, Ryder lays back and opens the blanket that he’s been huddled in to allow Alex to join him. They use both blankets to wrap and cover themselves. Alex snuggles up behind Ryder’s back, noting his skin is like ice but hopefully, together they can stay warm enough.

“Don’t fall asleep,” Alex tells him, slipping his arms around Ryder to try and transfer maximum heat. From what he remembers from Lad Scouts and how to survive in the cold, sleeping could be deadly.

“If I d-d-d-don’t…make it-t-t…out of this…” Alex hears Ryder’s lethargic, muffled voice, and his throat tightens, as does his hold around Ryder, “Just know that-t-t…you were s-s-s-still…my best…fr-fr-friend.”

He presses his chin against Ryder’s shoulder and closes his eyes, with something like a wave of relief and devastation washing over him all at once.

Relief that Ryder still considers him a friend. Devastation at the possibility of losing him.

“You’re gonna make it, we both are,” Alex insists despite having no claim to knowing the future.

The following silence indicates a small doubt on Ryder’s part despite Alex’s reassurances.

“I’ve…always…l-l-l-loved you. I’m sorry…it wasn’t…ob-b-b-vious…enough.”

Alex’s eyes snap open.

Now–now is when Ryder wants to talk about this? It makes sense considering they aren’t out of the woods yet. If Ryder can’t get his core temperature up, he’s done for. His words strike something indignant in Alex even though they are sincere and only coming out now because he might be on his death bed…or death blanket.

“You kissed my sister,” Alex says sadly, softly. Remembering the scene paints a stinging reminder across his consciousness that Ryder’s romantic interests in him aren’t exclusive.

“No, Alice…t-t-t-tried to k-k-k-kiss…me,” Ryder insists and Alex frowns, failing to see the difference because it meant Ryder had let her attempt it, “she did it…in f-fr-fr-front of you…because…she want-t-ted…you…to s-st-st-stop…liking me.”

After a pause, Ryder adds bitingly, ”It worked.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say, and can only feel a growing rage at his sister creeping up his neck, as well as shame for giving Ryder the cold shoulder because of it. It gives much-needed warmth to his face.

“Yeah but–”

Ryder inhales sharply, which makes Alex freeze up in dread but he soon finds it’s because Ryder needs to say more than just a few words.

“And…you w-w-w-wouldn’t…even…let me…t-t-t-talk to you…about it. If we…g-g-g-get out...of this…alive, I want…you t-t-t-to be…with Angelo. He’s a…g-g-g-good guy. He r-r-r-eally…likes you.

Alex is struck for a moment because he hasn’t thought of Angelo at all since waking up in the snow. His focus was getting Ryder to someplace dry, and keeping Ryder warm. Now, they were both practically naked with Alex holding onto him for dear life. He does feel guilty about it, but it is eclipsed by Ryder’s confession.

“You…love me?” he says, almost in disbelief. The concept hadn’t quite settled into him yet.

“Yeah, but…it only m-m-matters...if you…feel it-t-t too.”

The eerie silence returns while Alex thinks about that.

He thinks about their friendly competitions over the years–which was only because Alex liked to show off to Ryder, Ryder’s smile even when he lost–Alex knowing that Ryder hated to lose yet still wore that smile.

The way he moved on a skateboard, and when he encouraged Alex to get up when he fell, the grip of his hand when he offered it to help Alex stand.

He thinks about Ryder's looks of intrigue and the way he attentively listened when Alex talked. About Ryder's musings about the universe and where he fit in and mattered.

And he thinks back on those beautiful, summer evenings when they kissed in the long shadows underneath the half-pipe after getting done skating–Alex hating when he had to let Ryder go, but wondering if they could ever be more to each other than what they already were.

“I do,” Alex eventually whispers, flexing his arms to tighten his hold around Ryder, realizing that Ryder’s love had always been there, Alex just was too thick to notice it; it wasn’t a brick coming at his face, it wasn’t pushing him into a wall. It was as gentle and as subtle as Ryder’s personality.

Warm.

“I love you.”

His heart had felt so heavy these past months, but to finally admit how he felt unburdened him. Ryder adjusts his position, rolling over painstakingly slow to face Alex–his gorgeous eyes searching through the dark.

“Then you…b-b-better not…let-t-t me…fall asleep.”

He can feel Ryder’s terrifyingly slow and faint heartbeats pick up pace and reverberate through his own chest.

Alex is rendered breathless as Ryder leans forward and kisses him with a tenderness not previously experienced; Ryder never initiated these types of things. His lips are cold but yet Alex feels a heat rush through him and hopes Ryder can benefit from it.

He wraps his arms around Ryder’s shoulders, pressing closer and pulling up with all the strength he has left in him–through the pain in his own shoulder–trying to keep him as close as possible, as warm as possible.

They continue to make out with one another, building into a hungering desperation–ignited–with a flood of adrenaline and oxytocin shooting through them both that guarantees they won’t fall asleep for a while–feeling like the only two souls left in this quiet, snowy world surrounding them, and not knowing if they will even be alive come sunrise.

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